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Another meeting with a mediator. In an unpublicized process, Steph and I are still separating. The mediator comments on our ability to communicate at such a high level. "Can you enlighten me as to how you've managed that?

"We've done it for our children," I said. In truth, it has been my life's work. To turn what could so tragically become a lose-lose-lose situation into something positive. There is no divorce in my family. Mennonites stay together until death does them part. I was taught to turn the other cheek, to do unto others as I would have them do to me. I just did my best. Tried to be fair. Tried to be good. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

I still don't. But things seem to turn out better if I don't try to control them. I ran into Julia on a deserted stretch of beach on the Juan de Fuca Strait. And take Andy, my Sir Prize. He's in my life. We're gonna get hitched. The boys said yes, too.

sunday morning

boys are not here this morning.
house is quiet.
their dad's house is not,
i'm sure.

last night andy and i played scrabble
with devi and josh. drank blackberry
dessert wine, and discussed god.

do you believe?
what do you believe?

as a child i was told this.
then i began to believe that.
spent my life substituting
one religion for another:
even yoga became another overlay of
the judeo christian brainwashing.

i am 44.
when my mother was 44
she left the mennonite church.
no small feat.

(that's a mennonite joke, we have big ones.
heres' another:
why don't mennonites have sex standing up?
because it could lead to dancing.)

so when devi asked for my thoughts about god
i had to admit that i don't think about god these days.
not that i reject, refute, or reneg.
i'm just taking a break from god.
whatever it is is,
and it will go on without my participation.
i don't have to make any sacrifice,
there's nothing i have to do differently than i do.

i'm just beginning to livemy life, navigating the waters
of every day expeditions. seeing the beauty, feeling the pain.

loving it all.