Motherhood

Madonna
Orgasms
Time
Has
Every
Rapture
Hold
Oaths
Of
Delight

Masks
Off
Truth
Happens
Effort
Reveals
Her
Opening
Opening
Down

More
Opening
Terrible
Hurt
Endurance
Required
Hands
Offer
Opportunity
Dare

Madness
Obvious
Trauma
Happens
Energy
Remember
Healing
Obscures
Order
Dance

Magic
Organizes
Trust
Her
Evolve
Renew
Happiness
On
Over
Drunk

Memories
Of
The
Happy
Energizes
Remember
How
Offer
Offering
Done

Banging Chalk

It seems I don't do things the way
most other people do.
I'm always voting for the person
who doesn't win
and, hey, I asked Andy to marry me.

Actually,
I didn't ask.
I kinda told him.

He said it would have been nice to have been asked.
I am such an evil witch sometimes.

We've had to postpone one of our wedding events.
Party Three will have to wait until later this year.

Going shopping with Amanda for my wedding dress.
Where will we find it?
She's very elegant.
Hopefully it will rub off
on my peasant self.

Boys are back tomorrow.
For more of the crazy same.
We have a deadline: be ready for camping
when we pick Rio up at school at 11:15.

Will we make it?
Stay tuned.

Ol' Blue Eyes

Summer comes this weekend. It's supposed to rain. Oh, well. It's good for the garden.

We're packing up the boys, borrowing their cousin for the weekend, and heading out.
Some adventure will befall us. We'll welcome it. Life is so good.

I've been afraid to own up to just how good it is.

Why is that, Andy wonders? I can't believe I let him read over my shoulder.

Last night I said good bye to the boys. "I'm going to miss you," Silas said. His little face crumpled. "I'll miss you too," I told him. "I love you so much." He nodded, tears pooling. "I love you big as the sky," Rio shouted out the window as they drove off. "And even more."

I waved and waved until they were out of sight. And then my heart broke open. And I started to cry. I pretty much fell down right onto the street with my tears. That's how hard it is to say good bye to them, every single time they go.

And every single time they come back, it's as though they've never left. Full of themselves. Fully, awesomely present. "Hi, mama. I missed you so much." Silas makes a bee-line for me. Rio buries his face in Magic's neck. We pick up where we left off.

And me, well, this evening Andy and I went climbing. Put a rope up on the rock at Fleming Beach and watched the sun go down. I wasn't particularly elegant, but I got up it, eventually. In my own way. Then we walked the dog and smelled the broom mixed with sea salt, and off on the horizon there was a lighthouse painted so nice, red and white.

Update

Two weeks 'til the Solstice. Has life ever seemed this real?
We camp at Courtnay. Hillbillies everywhere, the
friendliest people you ever did meet.
Our neighbour brings us newspaper and kindling.
"I like cooking our food on the fire," she says.
"It tastes better."

The boys turn over rocks,
watch crabs scuttle and hide.
"They pinched me," Rio reports,
"and it doesn't even hurt."

Last night the tide came in,
nearly trapped them on the
last bit of sand.
They love that game.

Then back to the fire.
Sit by the water.

"Have you ever had
to sit at your desk?"
I ask Rio. That's what
Mrs. Birch has them do
when they're out of line.

I've seen a lot of them at their desks.
Especially lately. They're almost
done Kindergarten. They're such
big kids now.

Only one boy has never had to
sit at his desk. Somebody else's
boy is better than ours?
I jest.

Molly escaped last night.
At Bates Beach Oceanfront Resort.
Out all night, despite Andy's pleas.
He said he was so cold his teeth chattered.
"Like mine do when we go down the big hill,"
says Silas.

I've learned a lot about Andy from Magic.
I'm getting married.

Stay tuned.