This, not That

I’ve been practicing yoga for 45 minus 17 years, doing it for more of my life that I haven’t done it. Pretty much every day, even the day I gave birth and the day after I sliced the tendon in my thumb.

I’ve attended yoga workshops, studied the readings, encountered beautiful teachers, certified as an instructor, and I tend to do my own thing.

Does practice make perfect? Well, that’s the idea of yoga. But it’s easy to mistake perfect for no flaws. And Yoga actually teaches that the flaws are part of the perfect.

I’m back to Bikram after ten months away. When a teacher at the new studio asked me why I took such a long break, I replied, “Because it’s so hard.”

“Yeah,” he countered, his eyes lighting up. “It is hard!”

Well, for some people, it’s important to go hard. For me, it’s been important to go soft. To take it easier. Each of us has to determine that personally.

Bikram is as dogmatic as any religious zealot. His spiel is duly memorized by his teachers and repeated word for word in hundreds of hot studios around the globe while people practice his routine of 26 postures twice each. By the way, those rooms are very hot, kind of like hell…

Lying on the ground in my living room after doing—gasp!—one of those 26 that he forbids us to practice without paying him—honestly, it feels good to say that—I appreciate the benefits of Bikram: great energy, easy sleeping, a positive frame of mind, weight loss, improved flexibility, focus, stress release.

But it’s not a religion. It’s just another drug, like Vitamin I, that daily glass of wine, an orgasm, an early morning run.

Do it, enjoy it, and notice when it too becomes a habit. And then take a break.

carelessly, perfectly

the way he lies there
on the floor

exploring, experimenting, extending
carelessly, perfectly

no effort
full consciousness

that's how i do the yoga now

there are those
who practice in extremis
daily marathons
designed to right the wrongs
and perfect the imperfections,
flog the flaws that will not flow away

my eyes roll in ecstasy
as i receive a phone call
from st. francis
(of assissi)
he has reached me in the cafe
where i sit, a bowl of caffe latte
warming my hands,
a croissant buttering me up
for the long winter nights ahead

go, be with your boys,
he tells me,
laugh, play, sing
sink into the hot sand
and soak up the sun

there is nothing else for you to do

The Prayer of Saint Francis
"O Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace!
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, harmony;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light, and
Where there is sorrow, joy.
Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand; to be loved
as to love; for it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

Sunday's Child

the child that is born
on the sabbath day
is fair and wise
and good and gay

is that me?
i'm a lot happier now,
now that...
well

26 poses, twice each,
in a very hot room;
it's not easy,
but it is yoga

i used to have
an eating disorder

yuk, it just didn't feel like me
"If a living system is suffering from ill health,
the remedy is to connect it with more of itself."
--Francisco Varela

i don't know who francisco is,
but i like what he says

i love my husband
with all my heart

and my children taught me
to love myself
with the same huge passion
and easy forgiveness
that i offer them

i feel so good--in this body
this one!

tell myself that
when i'm bent over the toilet
heaving and hating myself

that's how i healed myself
hoping and having faith

Wedding Day

People love to get married in summer.
Here I am at my wedding.

I was 44, it was my first marriage,
finally willing to give wife a try.

Not before being mother, gypsy, siren, hag.
Not before refusing to read a script someone else wrote.
Not before waiting until the time was right.

It was a hot day, so hot we swam in the frigid Pacific.
It was a special day, all my friends and family were there.
It was a perfect day. See my husband, the human pillow.

That's how we got married,
with love spilling out,
making such a mess on the clean floor.