could this be it?

i think i'm starting to grow up a little, but only enough to keep up with the children.
i blog at night via email, personal exchanges that stay in my inbox for some months.
that's the only record,
other than this.

claire birch is my son rio's teacher. she's been doing this since she graduated
from university. she's very good at it. earth day, this month.

do you feel connected to the earth? can you feel it?
i'm so not a snob. look over my shoulder, at my age?
approval, disobedience, i turn my back on god.

really. i mean, when i was a teenager i played loud organ music
in a crepuscular church, and taunted the devil. and worse.
cate and i blasphemed the holy spirit. wow. were we stupid.
and brave. fucking looked at it in the face and said, no.

tough little fuckers, we were.
still are. it's her birthday this week.
we were 15, 16. met in church. recognized each other.

if you read this you will know what's happened for me.
i don't even know. please, share it with me.
remind me. it's all coming back now.

i remember the stippled wall,
my cousin larry's house on lakeshore road.
i go there in a minute: he ate live fish outta that creek.

one of my cousins said to me, don't eat the cherries,
look at that white stuff. you've gotta wash them first.
i just fuckin ate those little crimson sugar bombs.
said, no i don't.

that's how strong i am.

come party with us.
andy is man enough to take me on.
i come with two boys, i said, early on.
august 23, 2008.
canmore.