Rewiring

Today – not a pretty day. The day the boys go to their dad’s house is always tough; I hate the way they walk out my door leaving my life empty. On top of that, my husband’s gone for two weeks and I’m home alone.

All I can think about is what I did wrong as mom this week: “Don’t put coffee grounds into the fish tank,” I said as I saw Secundo preparing to do just that. Of course he did it. And of course, I got mad at him.

Apparently we’re wired to see the negative first. It’s some kind of survival mechanism. Spot trouble before it spots you. Looking for the negative is everywhere, especially in my head.

Today I listen for the negative, as instructed. It really is crazy how down I am on myself. Anxiety is such a familiar force in my inner world. But I’m sick of it. And today, I’m paying attention so I can reframe. I don’t just want to say, I am not anxious. I want to actually turn that frown upside-down.

If I’m not anxious, then I am… I am what? How do I want to be? What quality would I prefer to spend the majority of my life feeling? If there’s no anxiety, what is there? On the public pay phone from the Athabasca Glacier where he’s working, my husband suggests, alive. How about feeling alive instead of anxious? That works. Alive has energy to it—as does anxiety. I can switch my addiction from feeling anxious to feeling alive.

Here goes. This is the next step: I search for the positive in my day. And I remember that after the coffee incident, I was down on my knees with the boy, drying his crying eyes, when I noticed the fish ping-ponging in the fish tank. “Look!” I said, pointing. “That’s what happens when a fish drinks a cappuccino!” We both laughed then, and the tension dissipated. Lesson learned, I figure, for both of us.