Defeat

Defeat

Three days in a row now I have pulled the Defeat card in my Tarot readings. I asked for inspiration, and each time defeat came up. What’s up with that?

When I see the word it resonates.

I am trying to believe in myself, that I can establish a career doing the things I love (writing, yoga instruction, facilitation of heart-centred conversations), but these days it feels like I’m trying to swim in molasses. Nothing seems to be getting anywhere.

Andy and I are working to set up housekeeping. He created a comfortable work station for me, purchased a new computer. And he’s urging me to get an ergonomically designed chair so my shoulder won’t seize up.

I am more comfortable in my life than ever before. It doesn’t hurt to do the work I’m doing. But stuff seems to get in the way. Today it was several conversations and Primo’s sore mouth. The not-quite-six-year-old is teething, those back molars are giving him considerable grief. Tarj Mann, the school principal, phoned me just before Primo was supposed to get on the bus for Kids Klub. I ran over there with Magic and found the boy playing rather happily in the playground. It was a glorious sunny day, warm, absolutely delicious. He was in his shirt sleeves. I walked him home in the mid day sun. He asked me if he could watch a movie when he got home. Hmmm, I thought, where is this going?

When we got home I administered some children’s Advil and had a chat with him. He said he’d been at Kids Klub too long the day before. As I thought. It’s a new child care arrangement for him. He’s with 5- and 6-year-olds in a school down the road. The staff are lively and young, but not exactly nurturing. There’s no couch or even an easy chair to relax in. I asked the staff if he could lie down if he felt tired. They say they have a sick blanket and pillow and they want to get a big red couch from IKEA soon. They put the order in and are waiting.

So, I tell Primo he can let the staff know if he needs some TLC and sign a waiver saying they’re allowed to administer Advil when the pain gets too bad. Then I leave him there, my heart aching, and promise to pick him up at 3 pm in time for soccer. Then I head home to a big discussion with Andy. We’re trying to prise apart the details of my separation agreement, legal requirements, and my financial situation so that we can add Andy in a smart way. I made a couple of calls, to a Family Justice Counsellor and the BC Families in Transition Organization. I got answers. We tried to fit them together into some picture that made sense.

Neither of us has ever paid attention to these kinds of details before, having lived 40-some-odd years of life flying by the seat of our pants. Now we’re trying to fly using instruments and maybe even a licence. I wonder if we’ll ever get off the ground. Andy believes we will.

Maybe my reluctance to believe this, my resistance to changing from winging it with magic, is what the defeat is about. I don’t want to give up my practices of spinning, communing with star people, and praying to an unknown deity. I’ve had a lot of success with these in my past.

However, as Simon says, these old structures might just be keeping me neurotic and getting in the way of actually doing what I want to be doing with my life. Which is writing books, teaching yoga, and generating money doing these things.

So, what’s my option? What’s the secret to good writing? “Eight hours and a comfortable chair,” advises David Quammen. Perfect – Andy’s got the chair covered, and I sat on it for 20 minutes today!

I bet if I do a Tarot reading now, it’ll look entirely different.

See -- Wheel of Fortune: The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness.
Excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work