Faith on a Rainy Morning

9 am, a rainy morning. Primo’s at school, Secundo’s with Becky, there were smiles today when we said goodbye. I’ve got a few hours until Kindergarten pick up time. My first response to this rainy day was tears. An on-line tarot reading presented me with the Five of Swords -- defeat!!?– what’s up with that?

A Shambala Sun article mentioned that one of the biggest challenges of our time is focus. I struggle to maintain mine. I sit on the edge of the futon that’s spread out behind me in my office (my ex-mother-in-law is visiting, she’s moving from house to house with the boys). She’s struggling to reconcile herself to our new life arrangements. A few tears fall. I let them out, then breathe. Just a few conscious breaths uring which time I ask for more consciousness. My to do list forms itself in my head: I’m ready to go to work.

At my computer I have a look at a link Steph sent me: an article in the Globe and Mail talks about Cate Cochran’s new book, Reconcilable Differences: Marriages End. Families Don't. “It shows that many people who divorce go to extraordinary lengths to recalibrate their relationships. The effort is to create security for their children.” The article says this requires a great effort by all involved and does ensure that we finally grow up.

That’s exactly what we’re doing: last night Andy and Steph went climbing at Crag-X. “I had fun,” Andy said, and it’s not just because he’s a slut for climbing. “We really bonded. I'm getting to like him.”

I’m grateful for all that. Yesterday Andy also suggested to Steph that one of the prerequisites of any new woman in his life be that she’s cool with me and our new relationship. He nodded at that.

There is only success in my life. “Oh my God,” I said this morning when I slipped back into bed to wake up Andy and felt the heat of his body on my skin. “That’s what you were saying last night, babe,” he says, and kisses me. Oh my God.

At the edge of the futon I sit, bow my head, allow myself to focus: my new work, my new life, my new love – this is all I have to do. I breathe out: thank you, thank you, thank you.

The rain falls. I am life. It flows through me. It is me. All I have to do is trust. What do they say about faith? Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.

The street is black and shiny with rain, and the brake lights of cars stopping at our corner turn the puddles crimson, just like the flames of that Japanese maple tree across the street. Little kitten Leroy Snuggles sleeps curled up on the futon behind me. I’m sitting here in this gloomy morning, singing as I write.